In the continual fight against doping, a new drug going under the name of "Chi•cane" has recently been reported in the peloton. Although not on the UCI banned list, those that have come into contact with it, whose names shall remain anonymous, have commented that the effects are like nothing before. A lifetime high is how it's been described. Although not new to the cycling world, it is only in recent months that the true power of Chi•cane has been felt with widespread adoption predicted in the near future.

Prescribed Course of Treatment:

  • Taken externally at least twice per year (or however much holiday you're lucky enough to have)

  • For optimum effect repeat daily over a 1-2 week period (preferably in the summer sun)
  • Repeat course as often as possible (no limit on dosage)

Although it sounds too good to be true there are some side effects that should be considered.

Taken too quickly, with a lack of experience, concentration, disregard for other road users, or in the wet may result in:

  • Skin loss
  • Gravel rash
  • Dislocated/broken bones
  • Permanent injury
  • Death
  • Or worst case...busted bike/kit

 

The most potent effect reported to date is listed as Chi•cane type GC60-33-7.2 whereby GC60 refers to the location (Gran Canaria road 60), 33 relates to the kilometer along the road and finally 7.2 being the number of seconds it takes to administer Chi•cane from start to finish.

At full speed, hard on the left hand barrier ready to slice the road in one clean sweep, nerves on edge, late on the brakes, adrenalin beating out of your body whilst holding perfect posture, hit the apex and prepare for weightlessness as you flip left and float the off camber to an idyllic run out. In just seconds you’ve had 'the hit'. Chi•cane.

With life changing effects like that who'd be foolish enough to risk anything else?